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Par : Pascale Piquet

D’abord vos corps qui se séparent (…) C’est toujours le même film qui passe. Et ça continue, encore et encore, c’est que le début, d’accord, d’accord (…)» (F. Cabrel – « Encore et encore »). Après une séparation, vous vous passez inlassablement le film de la relation, de la rupture, pour comprendre où ça a dérapé et vous me posez toujours (encore et encore !)

les mêmes questions : pourquoi m’a-t-il quittée ? (Elle a trouvé un joujou extra qui fait « craque boom hue » ! (Jacques Dutronc).

Qu’est ce que j’ai fait de mal ? (Tout : quand tu veux tuer ton chien, tu dis qu’il a la rage ! L’autre décide que c’est vous qui avez tout gâché).

Comment a-t-elle pu partir avec un autre en sortant de mon lit, le matin même ? (Elle a trouvé un buffet plus varié que le vôtre).

Est-ce que je compte si peu pour l’autre ? (Vous n’avez jamais compté, vous avez été utile le temps d’être remplacé).

Comment peut-il partir sans se retourner ? (Le Trou noir affectif est en situation de survie et va au plus offrant).

Est-ce qu’elle souffre autant que moi ? (Vous êtes Desperado, donc trop connecté à vos émotions, l’autre est Trou noir, donc déconnecté de ses émotions).

Est-ce que l’autre pense à moi ? (Seulement s’il a décidé de revenir vous utiliser).

Est-ce qu’il va revenir ? (Oui, mais vous n’aimerez pas ça : c’est pour “t’essorer” encore plus, mon enfant !). Est-ce qu’elle va réaliser que je suis quelqu’un de bien ? (Non, puisque tout est de votre faute).

Comment l’autre peut-il vous dire qu’il vous aime le lundi et vous quitter le mardi ? (Un Trou noir affectif vit dans l’instant présent : si vous en faites partie, tant mieux, sinon, tant pis. Lundi, c’était vous, mardi un autre !). Et pourquoi et pourquoi et pourquoi ?! Puis vient le temps des remises en question : vous portez toute la faute et vous sentant à 100 % responsable de l’échec de ce couple, vous vous tapez sur la tête.

Vous n’avez pas donné assez (vous auriez pu donner votre vie, ça n’aurait pas suffi), pas été assez attentionné (vous avez tout fait pour l’autre et au-delà !), pas assez présente (vous viviez pour lui), pas assez généreux (vous êtes sur la paille !), pas assez compréhensif (vous lui avez tout pardonné même ses amants/maîtresses !), pas assez souple (elle sortait tous les samedis soirs), pas assez tolérante (il voulait avoir d’autres aventures). Bref, vous vous sentez coupable et toujours le même film qui passe… Pourtant, il faut être deux pour réussir un couple et deux pour le faire échouer : c’est 50/50 de responsabilité.

De plus, quand ce sont les enfants intérieurs qui se sont reconnus, deux naufragés sur un radeau, dans un océan déchaîné, qui s’agrippent l’un à l’autre, ça ne peut pas faire un couple équilibré. Et si l’autre est parti, vous rendant responsable de tous les maux de la Terre, c’est parce qu’il n’était bien ni avec vous, ni sans vous et tout simplement pas bien avec lui-même. Tellement plus facile de rejeter la faute sur l’autre, toute la faute. Eh bien, laissez-moi vous dire deux choses :

1) Cette relation était vouée à l’échec, dès le début : deux enfants intérieurs en situation de survie ne peuvent pas former un couple adulte équilibré. C’est comme croiser un éléphant avec une girafe : ça ne peut pas marcher !

2) Rien de ce que vous auriez pu faire, dire, penser, pardonner, payer, oublier, endurer, accepter n’aurait pu changer le cours des choses. En réalité, ce couple n’a jamais existé, que dans votre imagination… Vous avez couru après un mirage et ce mirage vous a utilisé, puis s’est évaporé. Quand l’un sent qu’il a le dessus sur l’autre, il le méprise : l’humain est ainsi fait dans le déséquilibre… Celui qui vit une compulsion à l’alcool ou la drogue n’aime pas la drogue ou l’alcool, mais seulement l’effet que cela produit sur lui. Vous n’aimez pas l’autre, qui ne vous aime pas non plus : vous êtes ‘névrotiquement’ attachés l’un à l’autre, jusqu’au jour où l’autre s’attache à une autre liane ou vous quitte, parce que lassé de votre servitude ou/et persuadé que vous êtes la cause de son mal de vivre.

Vous pouvez passer le reste de votre vie à repasser le même film, à interpréter le moindre mot, le moindre geste, comme un enquêteur repassant la bande enregistrée du braquage d’une banque, cherchant un indice qui désignera le coupable : vous pensez qu’on vous a volé votre coeur et vous cherchez à comprendre comment et pourquoi.

Mais votre coeur est bien là. En fait, vous ne l’avez jamais donné à personne (en tout cas, pas encore : il faut aimer pour ça), contrairement à ce que vous croyez : l’autre, en partant, vous a simplement projeté dans le vide affectif et vous avez perdu votre béquille (maudite dépendance affective et émotive !), mais vous pouvez marcher sans : il faut simplement apprendre en développant confiance et estime.

Alors au lieu de vous posez mille et une questions, vous avez une autre option : accepter les points 1) et 2) de cet article et comprenez que l’immense souffrance que vous ressentez après vous être fait « larguer » n’est pas de l’amour, mais de la dépendance. Il est temps d’en sortir afin de ne plus être l’esclave de personne et découvrir, enfin, l’amour. Parce que l’amour, c’est à l’opposé de ce que vous avez vécu jusque-là : aimer, c’est être heureux à deux et je sais de quoi je parle !

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